Dad from Bryan

I wrote this a couple of months ago after dad was diagnosed with cancer the 2nd time. I put it on the family website then but pulled it. I feel it is appropriate to share now. I don't feel that I truly captured everything that dad suffered and why, but it is from my heart. I love my dad so much.

My father is in the hospital recovering from surgery to remove cancer infested tumors from his colon. This is the second such operation; the first to remove the vile disease from his bladder, prostate and surrounding lymph nodes. He sits in the hospital alone, scared, and in contemplation of what the Lord's will is concerning his mortal probation here on this earth.

Life has been difficult at best for my father. Although from the stories he has told us about his childhood, the only thing he really had to complain about was his families lack of material possessions, he not once complained about that. As a matter-of-fact, in all the stories over the years, I have never once heard the lack of money brought up in a negative light, no, not once. I'm sure it was a concern when it was tight, but it did not affect their love for each other or their lives.

However, just 2 days shy of 2 years before I was born, my Father lost his little brother Ronny. Uncle Ronny died when he was only 9 in a freak hay ride accident. His little brother, completely removed from this life, completely removed from my father's life. I can't even begin to imagine what I would feel like if the same happened to my brother Jared. Although Jared most certainly will disagree, I loved him fiercely since the day he was born. All one has to do to validate this claim is to look at my 2 photo albums I kept as a child. I have Jared in over 80% of the pictures in those faded old memory books. To lose him, my brother, my friend so young would be more devastating than I could possibly imagine.

And yet, just 4 1/2 years later, my father lost his own father to a heart attack. With this tragic death came a great deal more suffering on my father's part, suffering I don't think I am fully qualified to share. He felt not only devastating loss, but burning guilt and total and complete helplessness at the fall and subsequent death of his father.

But the Lord's plan for my father was not done, not even close. 6 1/2 years later the Lord allowed my grandmother to slip into the eternities to be with her "lover". This left my father parent-less; without that mature guidance that we often seek as adults when we have questions raising our own young families. He was alone.

My father never dwelt on the loss of his brother, father and mother. Oh, we could tell that it affected him; we could all hear the longing in his voice as he relayed stories to our eager ears, but I do not recollect despair in his voice, not until much later on when his other trials got harder and harder to bear.

As the years continued their relentless passage, my father and my mother raised their family. An interjection here -- my father is a devoted man, he is devoted to his family, his wife, and his children and sisters. They mean the world to him, they mean more than life itself; they always have and they always will -- end interjection. In raising their family, they of course experienced their ups and downs, their good times and their bad times. However, with 3 children and 2 sisters raised and out of the house, one son left at home and dad having sacrificing 26 years of his life into the success of a prominent career, his company decided that they no longer needed my father. This turned their world upside down.

What would I do first? Go to my parents for advice. He couldn't. I'm sure he wanted to but he has been without them now for 14 years. Nobody to turn to for 14 years. So the next best thing? My mother's parents. Again I come to a place in the narrative where I don't find myself qualified to even summarize what happened then, but let me say this, they came out of this experience mostly on their own. They found they had no one to turn to but themselves. So that is precisely what they did.

Dad took the majority of his money and thinking only of his family and their future, he put it all into a family business, invited his sons - all his sons, not just those that were his by birth - and started Ballard and Sons Big O Tires. During this time, our mother got sick. Her colon burst and flooded her internals with poison. We almost lost our her - dad almost lost her. And although I don't remember much about that night, my dad does. Tears freely flow from his eyes every time he describes the terrible feeling he had of "Please Lord, do not take another one that I love, not again. Please Lord". My mother was spared and life in Safford Arizona continued.

I now present a part of this story that I would rather not. However, I want to be as complete as I can and although I wish I could excuse myself the same as I have done 2 other times in the paragraphs above, unfortunately, I can't, as I know this part of the story all too well. As I mentioned earlier, My father called us to work at Big O Tires and I went. I went as a temporary employee in my mind; I had more important things to do with my life than to work in a tire store. I would work a year to a year and a half, then I would need to get back to school. After all, I had a career to think about. This admission pains me more than I can say. Only now can I look back on those days and see my father's love and devotion to his family. His careful plans so that we would always be able to support ourselves. And I wanted little to nothing to do with it. Oh, that I could work beside you again dad. What I wouldn't give to turn back the clock and put on those old grimy coveralls and bust those tires again.

My father's dreams for a family owned business slowly got pushed aside as other members left. He still had high hopes, until the day that he had to close his doors because there weren't enough tires in the town to keep him in business. I've always wondered if I had been there a little longer and with the right attitude if we couldn't have made his dream come true. I wasn't, I didn't and it didn't. He lost his business and all the money he had put into it.

Dad was never a quitter. Next thing I knew they were off to Alaska, they stayed there a few years and from what I understand Dad really liked it. He was able to pick up and move to a totally different state (you'd think an adjacent state would be fine for such an experiment) and find work and live. It was invigorating. But as I mentioned before, dad is a family man. There is no way that he could stay away from his children, especially now since there were several new grandchildren coming along. Mom and dad moved back to Arizona.

Mom and dad bounced between Arizona and Texas for the next couple of years. I don't think that dad was ever as happy as he was in Alaska, but he was near his children. However, between all the moves and our busy lives, we only saw them about once or twice a year. Some of my other siblings were luckier and got to see them more often.

Then almost 2 years ago my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer. We were devastated. They went in and found that not only his bladder but his prostate and some lymph nodes were diseased as well. They removed what they could and did chemo on the rest. Not only was my father's body ravaged from the inside out, but the chemo left him with neuropathy in his hands and legs and feet. neuropathy essentially decimated the muscle and killed the nerves in the affected area leaving my father, my big, muscular, in no way a wimp, father, weak and using a walker. Even now, I struggle through the tears while I type this, realizing how seemingly unfair my father's life has been.

My father could only take 4 of the 6 treatments before he had to call them off due to the pain and the debilitation it was causing his body. We all agreed it was the right thing to do. They took follow-up Positron Emission Tomography (PET) scans and all showed that the cancer was gone. To us this was an answer to many prayers and much fasting. We thanked the Lord that our father was still with us. His body weaker, but our father nonetheless.

Then 3 weeks ago, as my father and mother were down in Mesa for a routine checkup my father decided that his leg was swelling too much to not be concerned about. They went to the ER 1 day earlier than their appointment and found out that he had a blood clot in his leg. Subsequent tests showed that part of it had broken off and was even then in his lungs. Fortunately, it wasn't large enough to cause an obstruction but the one in his leg was still critical. He was released with his blood suitably thin and made the drive back to Snowflake.

Home again, but only for 1 week. Dad's clockwork-like bowels were not functioning as they had for the past 65 years. He realized that he had now been constipated for over 2 weeks. Back to the hospital. After another 1 1/2 weeks and 2 hospitals later, my father was diagnosed with cancer again. This time his colon was wrapped in and out and back in a large tumor.

I plead with the Lord, with all my heart, to please give my father peace. I am conflicted when I think of all the good my father has done over the years and try to justify all of the bad that has happened to him personally. I think of the many people that know him and love him, respect him and honor him. In spite of the trials that he has had to bear, the lasting impressions that my father has made on others are those of service, kindness, caring, and of course being happy. If I could live all my life, and have people say about me what they say about just one of my father's qualities I would count my life a success. Is there anything I can say, anyone can say about even the worst quality in my father? We wouldn't have one leg to stand on. Can anyone say, "even if I were to have gone through all of what he went through, I would still never do that." No, no one would be justified, no one could be justified.

My father has a legacy. And he did it on his own. I'm sure he had help along the way, but he did it without a father, without a mother, without a brother, without a job. Why, why would Heavenly Father do this to my father after all that he has suffered?

Hebrews 12:6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.

Howard W. Hunter said “Mormon surely knew that no pain we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God.”

Can you imagine how much the Lord must love dad? My father, more worthy than anyone I know to be called a child of God. He is my hero. I love him with all my heart.

Hang in there dad!!!

Read what others had to say:

India Williams - Aug 6, 2007
Dear Sweetheart,
What a tribute to a wonderful man. You have captured him totally. His burdens were great yet he forged on......like the pioneers with their handcarts in the dead of winter. Great saddness filled your father's life and yes he stood alone as each of us one day must. Happiness and peace for us all was his goal. I believe in the closing moments of his life he himself achieved the greatest goal of all.......peace within himself.
Thank you so much for sharing this tribute. Aunt Bunny

Becki Vernon - Aug 6, 2007
I'm sure I'm not alone reading this as the tears stream down my face...I too have thought of all these "highlights" of his life and what it was that let him face these trials with a positive attitude, never complaining but strengthening others. Earlier this year I came across a book in my bookcase that I didn't know I had, or where it had come from and then I opened it to read the following:

"My Precious Darling,
I am sending you this book not knowing whether Gina sent you a copy already...so I am sending you this because I thought it was so beautiful. You have certainly had a lot of trials and tribulations, my darling, but they all have given you experience that will be for your best good during your life. You have seen the good and the bad sides of life a little bit and these things are not even a half of what you will yet experience, but the kind "Father" knows of your faithfulness and devotion to Him and he will uplift you during your trials just as long as you let Him. I pray that all the righteous desires of your heart will be yours. May God bless you always, my son.
Love,
Mother

The book is, "All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience", by Elder Neal A. Maxwell.

When I was down in AZ in April I brought this book and read that to him, and he was very quiet and then wondered aloud if he had lived his life in such a way to meet his Maker. I assured him I thought if anyone was ready, it would definitely be him, although it was going to be hard for us without him. I agree with Bunny that he did indeed find peace.

How I wish I could be there with all of you this week...I love you all so very much.
Becki