How did I get here? I found myself wondering aloud as I watched myself come home from work, walk directly up to my room, turn on the TV, sit down to the computer, and put some headphones in to listen to music. What was I doing?
I sat and wondered for a while how I got to this point. It had happened so gradually, that I hadn't even noticed the hours, days, and months that had gone by with me in this state. When had it started? I can trace the beginnings back to when my oldest son left home to join the Army. During that time, I was busy. Busy caring for my dying father. I didn't have time to truly mourn the absence of my son, because I could keep busy. "I can handle this." I fooled myself.
Then the care of my father turned into watching him die, but I'm busy. I have to get back home. I have to start work, my school needs me, I can't miss work. Then three days later after I left, my father quietly slipped out of this world--I missed it. Something more "important" needed me at home. I can never get that back. I can never go back to the place and time where heaven reached down and quietly scooped up my dad and took him out of his painful, crippled, emaciated body and into a place where he now stands upright and glorious.
But busy I was. I started a new school year, busy, busy, busy. Then my son called and told us that he was being deployed to Afghanistan. Anguish overcame me, but when morning came, I jumped into my busy life, this time, I put on headphones.
I noticed that I didn't like quiet moments--they were too painful. The TV helped with quiet moments. Blogging, photography, transcription....all filled the quiet places, the painful places.
My oldest daughter announced that she was moving out...in with her boyfriend. Well, I don't have time to deal with this right now...I'm busy. I found myself coming home, turning on the TV, sitting at my computer, and putting on headphones with music playing....that's how I got here.
This morning, I found myself asking Heavenly Father, "Tell my dad, that I hope he knows, I've had a hard time." Those words came from a conference talk that I had heard in the past, but now the words were my own. I've had a hard time. I pushed out all the silence and drowned my pain out with busy, busy things. I have avoided my Gethsemane of sorts. For almost two years, I have avoided the silence.
I have to face it. There is no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth, as John testified. There is also no greater sorrow than to know that they don't. I can't avoid the pain anymore. I have to deal with the hard time.
So, for now, I will shut off the TV, take out my headphones, and step away from the computer so that the atonement of Jesus Christ can work quietly and sweetly in my life and once again give me peace.
As Elder Cook said in his October 2008 Conference address:
"I testify that the Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all of the trials and hardships that any of us will encounter in this life. At times when we may feel to say, “Hope you know, I had a hard time,” we can be assured that He is there and we are safe in His loving arms."
August 23, 2009
Hope ya know, I've had a hard time...
Posted by Lori Ashton at 10:10 AM
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4 comments:
What a great post. That was one of my favorite talks and how quickly I seemed to forget the awesome words in it. Thanks for posting this. I think we all fit into this category of trying to bury our struggles and pain. We all need to remember to let Christ help us through it all. Thanks again for sharing.
*HUGS* I think of you often and hope that you are doing okay with all that is on your plate. I think this week we're on the same wavelength because I posted a link to that same video at the family website and hadn't even been over here yet! Hang in there and don't feel bad or guilty about being busy to push away trouble and woe. You're doing your best and that is a lot! Thank you for a beautiful insight on your feelings.
I loved that talk as well...
Funny, I do the same thing. I turn on the TV, music, whatever there is to make noise. From the time I get up, to the time I fall asleep, I fill my days with noise. Lately, I've been remembering a story about a boy who did the same thing and nearly missed a visit from his recently deceased brother. While I'm not expecting a miracle like that, I've been trying to turn off the noise so that I can be in more in tune with the still small voice. If anything, I am sleeping better.
Hang in there, and know that I love you.
Oh, Lori! I should have given you a hug when I was at the school on Friday.
One of the hardest parts of this life is to watch the ones we love the most make choices that you know will cause them trouble or pain. No one knows your kids better than you do, though, and no one knows who they really are deep down inside. Your faith and encouragement as the years pass will help them to remember that part of themselves & there is always hope even if right now there is a rough time. Some of our greatest scripture stories are from individuals who strayed from the path for a while, but came back stronger than ever. Perhaps your kids will be able to rekindle in the faith, too, just keep trusting in how you raised them to be because the quality of what you've taught them is still deep down inside of them. I will pray for you and your family. Keep moving forward & don't forget to go to the temple, too.
I hope I'm not out of line sharing these thoughts, because I've never walked in your shoes, and from personal experience I know that a lot of people intend well but say the wrong things. So please forgive me if I've said the wrong thing, but know that I care & am cheering for you.
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