As I think back on my life, I try to remember why I hate my birthday so much. The only conclusion I can come up with takes me back to the 7th grade. It was my birthday and I was really nervous as I walked into the school. I wasn’t sure, but was hoping that someone would remember it was my birthday. I’m sure I spread the news several days previous to December 10th so all would know of the upcoming event. I walked over to the classroom door and behind me I heard the Happy Birthday song erupt. With a big smile on my face, I turned around only to find a group of kids gathered around Angela Stillwell, singing happy birthday to her. Her arms were loaded with gifts and cards that all of the kids brought to school that day. I looked around and no one seemed to notice that my smile had turned to eyes filled with tears as I headed into the bathroom to quietly sob in a stall. Every year after that, Angela was still around and everyone always remembered it was her birthday.
Angela is long gone, we do keep in touch on facebook, but even to this day, I still have a huge issue with my birthday. Somewhere way deep down inside, it hurts when I wake up and even my husband and kids forget (it only takes a few hours as they hurry off to their activities before I get calls and texts saying, “I love you, Happy Birthday, sorry I forgot this morning”) but I pretend that I hate my birthday and it is no big deal, just another day.
But this morning as I contemplated my birth, I thought of my mom and my dad alone in a hospital room lovingly holding me and looking into my eyes, glimpsing into heaven, the veil very thin and others there but unseen…probably a little brother there watching, contemplating his turn next.
My thoughts then turn, where they always seem to turn when I’m not carefully guarding them, to how much I miss my dad. Is the veil still thin? Does he see me on this day? Is he wishing me a happy birthday? The other day in Walmart I thought I saw, out of the corner of my eye, a man resembling my dad and for a second I imagined what it would be like someday when I do see him again to run into his arms and sob with gratitude.
But until then, I will just continue with this day to try and remember why I hate my birthday so much.
December 10, 2010
Birthday Blues
Posted by Lori Ashton at 9:31 PM
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4 comments:
I know how feel. My birthdays are hard but for a differnet reason. But like you my thoughts always turn to my Dad on that day. I know your Dad loves you and thinks of you often. Especially on your birthday. Your father was an amazing man and I know he is always looking over you. Love you Lori!!
*HUGS* Ah birthdays, they just remind us time is flying by! I am so sorry you had a hard time on your birthday. Try to banish everything that happened in 7th grade; no matter who you are things are painful at that time!
You're a beautiful, talented and wonderful woman who has brought five fantastic children into this world and spent her life dedicated to building a better place for those you love. Of course your dad is watching over you, he loves you still.
I am positive that no matter what those around you do and say, your day of birth was a blessing to more people than you will ever know.
Ah Lori...this post brought tears to my eyes. Made me wonder what issues i have. Because while I don't hate my birthday, I dont feel special and just feel it is another day. I like that you thought back to what your birth must have been like. It is true I am sure our parents must have been so happy on our birthdays. We should be happier and realize the specialness of the day!
I guess if the days can't be special, just know you are loved by lots of people and hopefully that can carry you through the day! You are amazing!
Happy Birthday, Lori! You're so fantastic! Thanks for sharing this post--it's such a real peek into a kind of moment we all face in one way or another. It's amazing how things like that can affect us for so long--I have many Junior High stories--some of which I was just thinking about the other day. Man! That was so long ago!
I'll bet your dad watches over you everyday. He's closer than you know.
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