Children: Jewels or Swords?

Of course, my children are my jewels. Although sometimes I feel like my heart is being stabbed with a sword. I think that is parenting. I would give or do anything for my children, but there comes a time if you do that, you are hurting them, not helping them. They eventually have to leave the safety of my wings (I am a mother hen you know) and fly on their own, making choices that are wise and thought out or impulsive and consequential.

Right now I am dealing with impulsive and consequential. A few of my children, who shall remain nameless, have made some choices. At first, they started out as small choices but eventually those choices closed the doors for other choices and now we are standing in a room with only one door and it is not the one we want. I think kids still think there is a hidden window or something in that room and they don't understand that they have to eventually go through the last door and suffer the consequences.

Lately, I have been stressing a lot about my children's choices and ruminating things over in my mind. My tachycardia has returned and I have also been having the sensation of my heart skipping a beat (which was confirmed by my stethoscope). The other night, I woke in a panic. I seriously have never had a panic attack before, until that night. I felt like I was having a heart attack. My chest was heavy and I felt a squeezing (not good coming from a severely cardiovascular dysfunctional genetic pool). I had no pain radiating anywhere and being the nurse that I am, I woke no one. I seriously felt the impending doom that we learn about in nursing school. I was sure either I was dying or one of my children were dying and the Spirit was trying to tell me. I eventually woke Wyatt up and asked him if Brock was jumping that night (he is Army Airborne and had a parachute jump either that night or the next day). He reassured me that his jump was not for another few hours and sleepily went back to bed. I fell down on my knees to pray asking Heavenly Father to comfort me and release me from this pain. I also begged that the promises made unto me especially, Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it" would be mine. I pleaded with the Lord that I thought I did the best I could in raising my kids and teaching them right from wrong. Other specific things I asked and cried for. Eventually the pain left and I fell back asleep.

I woke up the next morning and during family scripture study, a verse just hit me with such force, I knew it was an answer to my prayer:

2 Nephi 10:2

For behold, the promises which we have obtained are promises unto us according to the flesh; wherefore, as it has been shown unto me that many of our children shall perish in the flesh because of unbelief, nevertheless, God will be merciful unto many; and our children shall be restored, that they may come to that which will give them the true knowledge of their Redeemer.

I know that we all have free agency, which was given to us so that we would prove to choose righteousness when given a choice (my kids haven't quite figured that one out, they think free agency was given so they could choose to do wrong). I know that my kids are going to make mistakes and learn the hard way. I wish they could learn through the hard roads I have gone through but they have to take their own roads. But the promises are given and hopefully I will live in such a way to be worthy of those promises and that not one chair will be empty (a story for another day).