Closing the Door for the Last Time

This weekend, I had the opportunity to go to Snowflake and meet up with Bryan, Lenay, and Jared to clean out mom and dad's home. It was an overwhelming task full of emotions and heartache. Wednesday night we started out in the garage. We found boxes of pictures, letters, and journals that we couldn't help but stop what we were doing and look at and read. A lot of, "do you remember this" was said. When it was time to finish up for the night, I realized that we accomlished about nothing and was feeling so overwhelmed. How would we ever get this done? We did find a journal of dad's and read out of it every night before we went to bed.

Thursday, we all continued to work in the garage. Friday and Saturday, Lenay and I worked in the house, and the boys finished up the garage. Dad was one to keep lots of things even if they were broken stating that he could fix them up. We had a lot of junk to take to the dump. I brought my truck and trailer and we took two loads to the dump. It was about a 1 1/2 to 2 hour ordeal to go to the dump, unload, and drive back and it was also expensive. Saturday, the city was having a dump day any size only $10. We knew the line would be long and didn't know how we would get in another dump run, especially with the throngs of people there would be dumping for $10. Brother Decker, a ward member, neighbor, and realtor, pulled up in his truck with his hydraulic trailer and told us that we could fill it up as much as we wanted and he would be back at 1 p.m. to take it for us to the dump. What a tender mercy. He happened to be in the hospital himself on Thursday.

There was some kind of problem with the Uhaul and we didn't get the biggest size that we thought we would need. We never thought it would all fit in. I have never seen anyone pack a Uhaul so tight and well as Jared and Bryan did. We didn't have to leave one thing behind. Another tender mercy.

After we put on the last thing in the Uhaul, the clouds started rolling in and the smell of rain permeated the air. It hadn't been cloudy the entire time we were then until then. Although it didn't rain, it smelled so good. Another tender mercy.

Mom called on Saturday and told me that dad had visited her last night and told her that her children had done well and that he loved us all so much. Then she said, "Dad has been with you. Has everything just fallen into place?" I felt the Spirit testify to me that what she had said was true. He was with us and things did fall into place.

We were able to finish up the last of the cleaning on Sunday morning and drove out about 8:30 a.m.

As we read out of the journal every night, dad seemed to go on about Lenay, his beautiful daughter, and Bryan, his wonderful son. Jared and I were mentioned but not as much in detail. We had a good laugh and said that dad loved them best. But deep inside my heart ached as I wanted to hear more about how he felt about me. Each entry became more and more disappointing as I hit my teenage years and was giving them hell. Just when I was feeling so down about how he must have felt about me, Bryan read something like, "My dearest Lori, how I want you to know how much I love you so much. You are my beautiful daughter (or something of that nature)." It was an answer that came straight from my dad. For a second, my heart was so full about to burst and I felt him there. But as quickly as it came, it left. That's so like him. But I had a testimony that he did and does love me and is aware of me even today.

Saturday, we were getting to the end and realized that the only room that was left was dad's. It had been untouched by all of us although we never talked or planned for it. We finally all gathered around his bed to clean his room. Jared submitted that we offer a word of prayer. I suggested maybe a song. I started to sing "Love is Spoken Here" substituting "father" for the word "mother" throughout the song. I could hardly compose myself. After the song, Bryan said a beautiful prayer. While sobbing, he pleaded with Heavenly Father that as we cleaned up this room that we would have the closure we needed in our lives. After the prayer, we started with his closet. Getting out his ties. Bryan would hold up a tie and anyone that wanted it would speak up. Bryan help up a burgandy tie and Jared started weeping. "That's the tie he wore when he ordained me a high priest."

Earlier, I had come across a collector's plate that dad had given to mom over 20 years earlier that read "I love you more today than yesterday but less than tomorrow." Mom had that thing hung up in her St. Johns home for many years. I asked each of the kids if they wanted it. I got to Jared, he looked at it and started sobbing. Hard times.

Jared went around and dug up a few rasberry bushes that dad had tended and tried to get some other things that he could possibly replant. My heart ached as he went around trying to find anything that he could hold onto or have that would be part of dad. He also kept all of the camping equipment that dad had. He had such a hard time throwing away anything of dad's.

Saturday afternoon, the house was mostly cleaned out and Jared was nowhere to be found. Lenay went looking for him. She found him in the living room crying. She later told me that Jared was telling her about every crack or home improvement that dad did. She had tears in her eyes when she was telling me. She said, "Jared knows every story. It's because he took the time." We both had a good cry. Jared prayed before we headed out. As we stood around in a circle in that tiny, modest home, Jared prayed "As we close these doors for the last time..." that we would learn from those that built the house and had lived there and that the seed that had been planted there in that home, would grow in our individual homes.

We eventually decided to leave the collector's plate at dad's gravesite. There were so many touching things that happened this past weekend. I wish I would never forget the things we shared and the feelings I had. I know that dad was watching over us and helped us.