Happy Father's Day

I'm thinking of you today. I struggled last night as I lay in bed wondering how I could wish you a happy Father's Day. If I could just get your number, I would call you. I so wanted to call you, like I did for many years before. I knew last year that it would be your last Father's Day here with us, but it didn't sink in until today.

At church there was talk about fathers. My heart ached and tears spilt. I turn inward. It is much easier to handle these feelings alone. I don't want to talk about you or I might hurt. I don't want to say how much I miss you out loud because I might really feel it. I just push it down, change my thoughts. Focus on something else. But you return. Every day, you come back to my thoughts. Sometimes in the quiet hours of the morning, I let it go. All that is bottled up comes out, but still alone, where no one can share my pain. Maybe if I let it out or say it out loud then you will really be gone. For now you are still within me. I hold on tight to you inside. Afraid maybe that if I let you go I will forget.

Do you know what kind of dad you were? You were all the things that are written in poems. A daddy who gives rides on shoulders, who helped me say nighttime prayers, who held me when I cried over a lost boyfriend, a daddy who was strong but loving, always kind, a daddy who thought of others. You were a man who understood what forgiveness and charity was and longed to have his children understand too. You love me and I knew it. You showed it and said it. You had wisdom but you didn't force it. You could see both sides to every story and feel for both. You are the patriarch and did all you could to fulfill that responsibility and I am sure that even though I don't know, you are fulfilling that responsibility now.

I miss you so much!! Oh how I long to talk to you. To see your strong body standing upright and glorious. To tell you my fears and listen to your wisdom. To have you counsel me. To have you explain the scriptures to me. To listen to your testimony. I wish that you were here and wonder how long it will be before I see you again.

It isn't fair when I look around and see old men and wonder why they can stay. Why couldn't you stay? Why didn't they find your cancer sooner? What is so important that you had to leave us? Why aren't we important now? Where did you go? Why are you completely gone? Is it just me? Why can't I feel you? I know you live on...but where? Do you see me? Do you watch my pain? So many unanswered questions.

So, for now, I'll shove it down, dry my tears and carry on...until tomorrow when I think of you again.