{A Day in the Life of a Kidney Donor} Prayers Answered

On Wednesday afternoon about 2:30 p.m., my mom called with the news that she was on her way to the hospital for a transplant.  The center called my mom and told her that they had just gotten a kidney and needed her to come right away.  By 8:00 p.m. she was wheeled into the OR to receive it. 

Since I decided to wait on my donation to her in early June, I have been racked with internal torment about that decision.  I was completely willing and ready to go forward with my donation, even with others' doubts and concerns about my decision.  After I had finished all the blood work and took in my 24 hour urine test, I sat down with the transplant team.  The coordinator was describing all that would happen to me and I was picturing in my mind my operation and recovery with every intent on doing it.  It wasn't until he slid a piece of paper over to me showing the statistics of donation that my mind totally shut down.  It was like a light switch went off.  Like I was brought out of a trance that I had been in.  The reality that the best decision was for me to hold off hit me like a brick wall.  It was the strangest change of mind that I have ever experienced. 

When I got home from Utah, I was haunted with that decision.  I was depressed.  I laid in bed for days and went days without showering.  Wyatt would come home and I would just say, "Bad day."  He understood.  I prayed, I fasted, I pled, I cried....I slept.  Depression engulfed me in the worst possible way.  How could I have been such a disappointment as a daughter?  Not only to my mom, but to my Heavenly Father?  How could I have had such a stumbling block and not just risen above it?  What was His will for me?  For my mom? 

During that time, my mom never called me.  I was left alone each day with silence and depression.  It consumed me.  Feelings of worthlessness took over.  I couldn't even pick up the phone to call her. 

Finally, this Monday morning, I fell to my knees and cried to Heavenly Father telling Him how sorry I was for being a disappointment to Him and to my family.  How sorry I was for letting everyone down.  I told Him how worthless I felt and I couldn't take it anymore.  The next day, I called my mom.  The conversation was superficial at first and then led down the path I had altogether been avoiding.  Discussing the fact that I didn't donate to her.  I explained my feelings and she told me that it would all work out.  That she had faith she will still get her kidney before summer was through. 

THE VERY NEXT DAY, she called me and was on her way to the hospital.  My soul was lifted.  My burden was taken from me.  I was filled with gratitude. 

As the day progressed, it hit me how we were able to received such a wonderful blessing.  Somewhere out there another family was mourning.  A life had gone out, a family was devastated, but in that hour of devastation they gave us life.  They gave my mom a new life, not one tethered to a dialysis machine.  They gave something I couldn't....something I didn't. 

In a way, I believe the confusion that hit me like a brick wall in the transplant center that day in June was Heavenly Father accepting my offer, but letting me know that He had another way.  I know that He is in charge and His plan will go forth and I just need to let go and trust in Him.